Feng Shui Fundi

As I balance one legged, my chest and hips pythagorian in nature, my arms splayed and juggling a pot plant and a Faberge egg, I’ve got to wonder: How did I get into this position? And how on earth am I going to get out of it.

“Feng shui?” he asks.
I’ve been on a high since the date started. This guy is an Adonis! Sure, I hate the restaurant – sushi just really isn’t my thing – but it’s worth it just to look at him. And of course, I hadn’t wanted to come across as an idiot, uneducated in the way of raw fish.
“Yeah,” I say, smiling widely, “I love it!”
“Me too,” he whispers conspiratorially. Then places an order for California Rolls and Salmon Roses with the waitress standing beside us, leaving me stumped as to what I’ve just agreed to.
“There’s just something so harmonizing about the aura of furniture, don’t you find?”
“Definitely,” I’d nod, my mind drawing a complete blank.
“I’d love to show you how I’ve shuied my place.”
He winks cheekily. Now that was something I could be on board with.

Of course, as it turns out, his intentions were purely innocent. How disappointed I was to arrive at his la-de-da pad, only to find that it wasn’t the bedroom he wanted to show me, but quite literally the furniture. The way that it was arranged in an ever so uncomfortable fashion – the couch facing an empty wall, the TV behind it, the coffee table off to the side and entirely unusable. I wouldn’t have really been surprised if it had been upside down considering the state of the rest of the room! Still, I tried to be polite.
“Very… mod,” I managed, shortly before tripping over the Persian rug in the kitchen.
“Careful,” he admonishes, his charm receding with every minute.
The minute he’s left the room (to cleanse his chi or ding his doodad or whatever it is that these new age hippies do) the cynic in me takes over, and I rush from object to object, adjusting them ever so slightly – turning the couch a quarter inch to the right, swapping picture frames, dragging the rug so that it faces North North North East instead of North North North West. By the time he’s done, the room looks just the same, but gives me an inner glow, just thinking about how his shui has been shifted. It wasn’t long after that he decided my yin didn’t match his yang.

Of course, the joke was all on me when, out of the blue, a few months ago he turned up, all smiles and Italian kisses, telling me all about how my little enhancements to his apartment had changed his life for the better. What can I say, apparently I have a flair for the feng. Now, here I am, the Feng Shui Fundi of Fourways, my hands full of furniture that I haven’t the foggiest what to do with. What next!


A Feng Shui Consultant is someone skilled in the Chinese philosophical system of harmonizing people and their environment. Feng Shui itself is a controversial topic, but there are people who are willing to pay consultants to help them de-clutter their homes.
Write at least 500 words, following a character in this career. If necessary, read up a little on what the stresses and responsibilities are. If you’re still stuck, write about the relationships or family life someone in this career might have.



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